Friday, December 28, 2007
- reflekshunz -
I want to be your blanket. To give you warmth. To give you protection. And to guide you to your dreams.
Since I was little, I always needed to sleep with a blanket. Whether it was 2 degrees or 30, I had to have a blanket covering me.
People! It's almost a new year! What have we done? What have you accomplished? What have you failed?
Have I already written my 2007 reflections? I can't remember. It's crazy the way life goes. What it takes us through. I've been through ups and downs, lefts and rights. And yet, am still standing proud and tall today.
Am I game to let you know what has happened to me this whole year? Do I remember any of it? Of course I do.. I just don't know how much of it I can fit into a few measly words.
******
How did 2007 start off so rocky? I just came back from Malaysia, all ready to take on a year of alcohol, a year of clubbing. A year of fun. LOTS of FUN. Fun started off with really good clubbing nights, even though my girls were in China livin' it up Beijing style. But I did too. And I met someone...
But I got myself into a foreseen problem. A foreseen ending. Prepared that I was playing with fire. However not prepared that I had not played the field that was so-called 'relationships' and fell deeply in pain into that pit. Everything had made sense when I was with him and yet nothing added up. I never knew I could ever be so stupid in my whole entire life.
2007 had already began with a setback. I didn't know what to do. And I turn myself to more alcohol and more harmless fun nights in a place which became our home.
Along came more ktv nights, and along came meaningness boys with lousy intentions. But they had nothing to offer and only wanted to take. And I KNOW I am smarter than to give anything. But I take. I take their comfort, their words, their shoulders and their jackets. That is all I take. But none of them meant anything. What was becoming of me? Was this fun? Was I degrading myself to one of them, whom I despised so much three years ago? What do my friends think of me? What does the world think of me? Why does mother cry so much at night? Something happened and I was both happy and sad for myself.
Luckily, through all this, I saw who my true friends were. They were the ones who stuck by. The ones who still loved me and still cared and gave me their harsh words of criticism because they understood my hurt but wanted to prevent my naivity. I am so greatful for my friends.
It was also a year I came to find new friends. Friends who I know will be with me for a long time coming and friends who shared similar interests and will forever be in our exclusive ktv crew.
I also caught myself in confusion and a sense of being lost in all things sweet. I was confused with what I felt for old friends, I was confused with what I felt for new companions and I was confused with how some friends were treating me.
Within all of the social and the work that kept my nights occupied, I dropped in my studies. I stopped reading what needed to be read, I forgot how to understand and forgot how to study and prep for exams. And with that I lost confidence and lost that ability to achieve the grades I needed. And because of that I wasn't able to go on the China infield study I was so looking forward to go to.
What happened to me?
I learnt that I was going to do whatever made me happy and carefree. It didn't matter that people were going to look at me differently because I didn't give a fuck anymore. I wouldn't give two fucks how people would think or talk about me. Because I only care for me and nobody else. I was going to let the world rest their thoughts on my shoulders.
It seems like I was going through nothing. But why did I feel so much pain? I recall it being such a tough time. Could you tell? Could you read it in my empty blogs, the cryptic blabber that was written across the pages?
I think sometimes.. I knew I was doing things that I sholdn't have. And I knew it wasn't looking good anymore. Not on the part of others but the fact that I was disappointed in myself. That I had resorted to stupid shit to have fun. Clubbing is one thing.. the other stuff was beyond complete stupidity.
Anyways.. I've fallen into unhealthy habits that I need to get myself out of.. or else I'll be regretting in the the long term.
Well.. at least I could say that the year ended well. I finally opened my eyes to see who was truly right in front of me. That I could've asked for nothing more and all it took was one last drunken night. I now understand what it means to care and to be loved. And although it may cause some friends to drift away, I'll always make sure that you'll drift right back to me. Because when it comes to problems, I'll still be the one you can talk to. When it comes to being there for your last clubbing night, I'll be there. And when it comes to boredom, I'll be there to make you laugh. I'm still the same girl with the same loud personality to complete our F-circle. FFL.
It's been a good year, filled with lots of fun, tears, redemption, confusion and I could go on but I wont. I loved this year so much. I loved being 19. And now I'm 20 with new challenges and responsibilities. Sure I'll still be that lazy girl who sleeps in, the one who WON'T do her homework. But so much has happened and so much has changed.
I'm looking forward to 2008. No matter what it brings. I'm ready to tackle it all!
The world is a different place when you smile. See through your tears and on the other side is happiness.
Since I was little, I always needed to sleep with a blanket. Whether it was 2 degrees or 30, I had to have a blanket covering me.
People! It's almost a new year! What have we done? What have you accomplished? What have you failed?
Have I already written my 2007 reflections? I can't remember. It's crazy the way life goes. What it takes us through. I've been through ups and downs, lefts and rights. And yet, am still standing proud and tall today.
Am I game to let you know what has happened to me this whole year? Do I remember any of it? Of course I do.. I just don't know how much of it I can fit into a few measly words.
******
How did 2007 start off so rocky? I just came back from Malaysia, all ready to take on a year of alcohol, a year of clubbing. A year of fun. LOTS of FUN. Fun started off with really good clubbing nights, even though my girls were in China livin' it up Beijing style. But I did too. And I met someone...
But I got myself into a foreseen problem. A foreseen ending. Prepared that I was playing with fire. However not prepared that I had not played the field that was so-called 'relationships' and fell deeply in pain into that pit. Everything had made sense when I was with him and yet nothing added up. I never knew I could ever be so stupid in my whole entire life.
2007 had already began with a setback. I didn't know what to do. And I turn myself to more alcohol and more harmless fun nights in a place which became our home.
Along came more ktv nights, and along came meaningness boys with lousy intentions. But they had nothing to offer and only wanted to take. And I KNOW I am smarter than to give anything. But I take. I take their comfort, their words, their shoulders and their jackets. That is all I take. But none of them meant anything. What was becoming of me? Was this fun? Was I degrading myself to one of them, whom I despised so much three years ago? What do my friends think of me? What does the world think of me? Why does mother cry so much at night? Something happened and I was both happy and sad for myself.
Luckily, through all this, I saw who my true friends were. They were the ones who stuck by. The ones who still loved me and still cared and gave me their harsh words of criticism because they understood my hurt but wanted to prevent my naivity. I am so greatful for my friends.
It was also a year I came to find new friends. Friends who I know will be with me for a long time coming and friends who shared similar interests and will forever be in our exclusive ktv crew.
I also caught myself in confusion and a sense of being lost in all things sweet. I was confused with what I felt for old friends, I was confused with what I felt for new companions and I was confused with how some friends were treating me.
Within all of the social and the work that kept my nights occupied, I dropped in my studies. I stopped reading what needed to be read, I forgot how to understand and forgot how to study and prep for exams. And with that I lost confidence and lost that ability to achieve the grades I needed. And because of that I wasn't able to go on the China infield study I was so looking forward to go to.
What happened to me?
I learnt that I was going to do whatever made me happy and carefree. It didn't matter that people were going to look at me differently because I didn't give a fuck anymore. I wouldn't give two fucks how people would think or talk about me. Because I only care for me and nobody else. I was going to let the world rest their thoughts on my shoulders.
It seems like I was going through nothing. But why did I feel so much pain? I recall it being such a tough time. Could you tell? Could you read it in my empty blogs, the cryptic blabber that was written across the pages?
I think sometimes.. I knew I was doing things that I sholdn't have. And I knew it wasn't looking good anymore. Not on the part of others but the fact that I was disappointed in myself. That I had resorted to stupid shit to have fun. Clubbing is one thing.. the other stuff was beyond complete stupidity.
Anyways.. I've fallen into unhealthy habits that I need to get myself out of.. or else I'll be regretting in the the long term.
Well.. at least I could say that the year ended well. I finally opened my eyes to see who was truly right in front of me. That I could've asked for nothing more and all it took was one last drunken night. I now understand what it means to care and to be loved. And although it may cause some friends to drift away, I'll always make sure that you'll drift right back to me. Because when it comes to problems, I'll still be the one you can talk to. When it comes to being there for your last clubbing night, I'll be there. And when it comes to boredom, I'll be there to make you laugh. I'm still the same girl with the same loud personality to complete our F-circle. FFL.
It's been a good year, filled with lots of fun, tears, redemption, confusion and I could go on but I wont. I loved this year so much. I loved being 19. And now I'm 20 with new challenges and responsibilities. Sure I'll still be that lazy girl who sleeps in, the one who WON'T do her homework. But so much has happened and so much has changed.
I'm looking forward to 2008. No matter what it brings. I'm ready to tackle it all!
The world is a different place when you smile. See through your tears and on the other side is happiness.
-{ missing you 12/28/2007 11:55:00 pm }-
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
- we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you... -
Well, so much for clubbing abstinence. Went on Saturday.. was quite good considering.
I got gum on my jeans that night and the next day I had to wash it off... I heard that toothpaste works so I tried it.. and it did work! It was awesome..
On Monday I went in to try out the mobile repairs job. It's more of just a sales job for us. Looks ok.. I think I will give it a shot.
Then Monday night.. me caz alistair and fel went ktv-ing accompanied by roger darren and roy.. WE WENT 5+ HOURS STRAIGHT!!! It was totally awesomenessssss. I know I've had my fix now. :))
And now its Christmas Day. Merry Christmas everyone, hope everyone has a safe holiday and new years.
To the rest of us.. it's going to be a hot New Years.
And for me.. I'll missing you even more soo.
I got gum on my jeans that night and the next day I had to wash it off... I heard that toothpaste works so I tried it.. and it did work! It was awesome..
On Monday I went in to try out the mobile repairs job. It's more of just a sales job for us. Looks ok.. I think I will give it a shot.
Then Monday night.. me caz alistair and fel went ktv-ing accompanied by roger darren and roy.. WE WENT 5+ HOURS STRAIGHT!!! It was totally awesomenessssss. I know I've had my fix now. :))
And now its Christmas Day. Merry Christmas everyone, hope everyone has a safe holiday and new years.
To the rest of us.. it's going to be a hot New Years.
And for me.. I'll missing you even more soo.
-{ missing you 12/25/2007 04:43:00 pm }-
Friday, December 21, 2007
- its all you -
"Within the beats of my heart, I feel you. I feel you you warmth, your voice and your smell. Because of this, I know it is beating for you. Only you."
I realise that the tears were not from the hurt of your words but the fear of losing you. The fear of your disgust of the person I am. I am nothing. I look up to see that you are too good to be true. That I don't deserve you. But I am selfish and hence am afraid to lose you to anything or anyone.
I realise that the tears were not from the hurt of your words but the fear of losing you. The fear of your disgust of the person I am. I am nothing. I look up to see that you are too good to be true. That I don't deserve you. But I am selfish and hence am afraid to lose you to anything or anyone.
-{ missing you 12/21/2007 01:05:00 pm }-
Thursday, December 20, 2007
- these 'miss you' nights are the longest -
Tuesday, me ed caz n ali went to watch Beowolf 3d. Was quite good but too guyish for me. Then snuck into an awful random film... gah we left for fast eddy's which was damn slow.
Today went to ed's and went out for brekky, bought some stuff for lunch and rented out SAW 123. By the time we got home, alinfel were already there guitar heroing. We started cooking at 12 and finished up at 3!!! how dodgy! but the food turned out great. cheers to everyone. We exchanged our pressies, but turns out pretty much everyone knew who got who.. i lurve my pressie >.<
Then just Saw'd it all afternoon. It was really good. enjoyed it heaps much. i wish i took some piccies tho.
Now I have to work tonight... not looking forward to it. Also ed going to Esp. =(( double boo.
Today went to ed's and went out for brekky, bought some stuff for lunch and rented out SAW 123. By the time we got home, alinfel were already there guitar heroing. We started cooking at 12 and finished up at 3!!! how dodgy! but the food turned out great. cheers to everyone. We exchanged our pressies, but turns out pretty much everyone knew who got who.. i lurve my pressie >.<
Then just Saw'd it all afternoon. It was really good. enjoyed it heaps much. i wish i took some piccies tho.
Now I have to work tonight... not looking forward to it. Also ed going to Esp. =(( double boo.
-{ missing you 12/20/2007 12:19:00 am }-
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
- why do bad things happen to good people? -
Yesterday we had steamboat at Noelle's! It was soo nice and fun; the food, the company and the laughs. Not to mention the weird discussion topics that were raised during dinner. *Kahmsah ahmida noL* hehehe.
There was music, singstar (which we missed out on) and mahjong. We should do house get togethers more often. Oh! cake was good too >.<
But the night was abruptly stopped when a dear friend of ours had a serious car accident. Luckily everyone is all safe and sound. It's times like these that make me think.
Thinking of the many people that love you and wish for your safety and happiness. Thinking of how much our parents worry and they have all the reasons to do so. Thinking about those stupid careless drink driving nights that I have survived. I'm ashamed that it takes something like this to wake me up.
I was telling mum the next morning about what happened and I got to the part where the stupid lady in the other car got verbally abusive. I got choked up and then started to cry. It made me so angry and sad. She was so selfish for her safety she didn't even realise how much more hurt she was causing. Things like this don't happen because we wish for them. Everyone has the right to explain themselves and she didn't listen once to what our friend had to say. I'm sure all of us wanted to say something or smack them in the head, but we couldn't.
Aiyz. I'm just glad you're ok and that you are still staying strong. Much admiration darling. *gives bear hug* xox *muakz*
There was music, singstar (which we missed out on) and mahjong. We should do house get togethers more often. Oh! cake was good too >.<
But the night was abruptly stopped when a dear friend of ours had a serious car accident. Luckily everyone is all safe and sound. It's times like these that make me think.
Thinking of the many people that love you and wish for your safety and happiness. Thinking of how much our parents worry and they have all the reasons to do so. Thinking about those stupid careless drink driving nights that I have survived. I'm ashamed that it takes something like this to wake me up.
I was telling mum the next morning about what happened and I got to the part where the stupid lady in the other car got verbally abusive. I got choked up and then started to cry. It made me so angry and sad. She was so selfish for her safety she didn't even realise how much more hurt she was causing. Things like this don't happen because we wish for them. Everyone has the right to explain themselves and she didn't listen once to what our friend had to say. I'm sure all of us wanted to say something or smack them in the head, but we couldn't.
Aiyz. I'm just glad you're ok and that you are still staying strong. Much admiration darling. *gives bear hug* xox *muakz*
-{ missing you 12/18/2007 03:55:00 pm }-
Sunday, December 16, 2007
- [untitled] -
Her tears have been falling the more she gets older. Maybe I was just young and stupid and saw less of it before.. But now it is ever so frequent, whether it be tears caused by me or him.
Now I'm sitting here as her tears fall because of him. I watch them fall, too scared to wipe them from her face, too scared to invade on her space. I sit here and watch her, hoping that watching her can provide some comfort because I know my words cannot.
I watch her and my eyes become misty but no tears fall. Have I become hard and cold? I used to cry at the sight of her crying. But I have become resistant to her tears that I have caused because I saw them as my weakness to give in to my own happiness.
But that is exactly what is happening now. I am asking him to give up his happiness because her tears are falling. Because every tear she cries is a stab to the heart.
I've just realised how much pain I must have caused her.
And how much tears has cried to keep us together.
Now my tears also fall as I realise this. And that I can't function when I see her pain.
How do I live with knowing we are the cause of her pain?
Now I'm sitting here as her tears fall because of him. I watch them fall, too scared to wipe them from her face, too scared to invade on her space. I sit here and watch her, hoping that watching her can provide some comfort because I know my words cannot.
I watch her and my eyes become misty but no tears fall. Have I become hard and cold? I used to cry at the sight of her crying. But I have become resistant to her tears that I have caused because I saw them as my weakness to give in to my own happiness.
But that is exactly what is happening now. I am asking him to give up his happiness because her tears are falling. Because every tear she cries is a stab to the heart.
I've just realised how much pain I must have caused her.
And how much tears has cried to keep us together.
Now my tears also fall as I realise this. And that I can't function when I see her pain.
How do I live with knowing we are the cause of her pain?
-{ missing you 12/16/2007 01:58:00 pm }-
- abstinence -
gah. will have a clubbing abstinence til mid jan. me and steph. yep. we'll see how this goes. excludes bars and lounges.
-{ missing you 12/16/2007 12:34:00 pm }-
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
- admiration, obsession, addiction. -
I miss that thrill that I used to get when I used to blog. Why does blogging seem like a chore all of a sudden?
My life is being occupied by new wonders and I am afraid that I am leaving gems behind. But I know I am doing all I can to disallow my gems to fall behind me and into my memories. I want my gems to be part of the present, the past and the future. But I also want to progress with a newly discovered jewel in my life that I want to move forward with.
As 2007 passed us by, I can see all the progressions I have made, the mistakes that I have overcome and the new hurdles that are to be faced in the new year. I have learnt so much more of myself this year than any of the other years put together. I finally pieced myself together and found the essence that was missing in my life. I understood the responsibility of independence and the heartache that it has put my mother through. It has made me realise all the more, how similar my dear mother and I really are. Stubborn.
The people I have met and befriended this year have been a big revalation in my life, not only have I stepped outside my comfort zone, but I have discovered wonderful and amazing people that have given me direction.
This has not been my academic year, although I haven't really been any much of an academic anyway. Student life is slowly coming to an end, and I am glad to be taking on less of a study load, so as to savour what's left of my last semester. It means I need to purchase that uni jumper too.
Given that the year started off with heartbreak, I'm glad that it's ending with the opposite. I hope it means that I can start the new year on a good note and healthy resolutions. That will include less drinking, less late nights out, more fun, more laughter, more KTV, more friends and more freedom. I'm also set to learn some new languages.. I think it may be korean and cantonese :P
Although a lot of bad things happened in 2007, I can't help but feel sad to leave behind a year that has provided me with so much and taught me so much more. Maybe the good things weigh up the bad.
I can't wait to start the new year. It'll be different. New people, new challenges. New life.
******
Yesterday me Ed, Ali and Anthony watched Bee Movie. Everyone was sceptical of this underrated animation.
Well it was damn awesome!! We're already planning to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks. Funny boys.
Then we went to Utopia afters and got CaznFel to join us and we ended up turning the Saw-a-thon that was planned into a Saw&food-a-thon. Cooked by us! It will be interesting. And somehow will fit DDR into all this.
Can't wait 'til Tuesday, it's so far away. Can'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait.
*muakz*
My life is being occupied by new wonders and I am afraid that I am leaving gems behind. But I know I am doing all I can to disallow my gems to fall behind me and into my memories. I want my gems to be part of the present, the past and the future. But I also want to progress with a newly discovered jewel in my life that I want to move forward with.
As 2007 passed us by, I can see all the progressions I have made, the mistakes that I have overcome and the new hurdles that are to be faced in the new year. I have learnt so much more of myself this year than any of the other years put together. I finally pieced myself together and found the essence that was missing in my life. I understood the responsibility of independence and the heartache that it has put my mother through. It has made me realise all the more, how similar my dear mother and I really are. Stubborn.
The people I have met and befriended this year have been a big revalation in my life, not only have I stepped outside my comfort zone, but I have discovered wonderful and amazing people that have given me direction.
This has not been my academic year, although I haven't really been any much of an academic anyway. Student life is slowly coming to an end, and I am glad to be taking on less of a study load, so as to savour what's left of my last semester. It means I need to purchase that uni jumper too.
Given that the year started off with heartbreak, I'm glad that it's ending with the opposite. I hope it means that I can start the new year on a good note and healthy resolutions. That will include less drinking, less late nights out, more fun, more laughter, more KTV, more friends and more freedom. I'm also set to learn some new languages.. I think it may be korean and cantonese :P
Although a lot of bad things happened in 2007, I can't help but feel sad to leave behind a year that has provided me with so much and taught me so much more. Maybe the good things weigh up the bad.
I can't wait to start the new year. It'll be different. New people, new challenges. New life.
******
Yesterday me Ed, Ali and Anthony watched Bee Movie. Everyone was sceptical of this underrated animation.
Well it was damn awesome!! We're already planning to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks. Funny boys.
Then we went to Utopia afters and got CaznFel to join us and we ended up turning the Saw-a-thon that was planned into a Saw&food-a-thon. Cooked by us! It will be interesting. And somehow will fit DDR into all this.
Can't wait 'til Tuesday, it's so far away. Can'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait.
*muakz*
-{ missing you 12/12/2007 04:17:00 pm }-
Friday, December 07, 2007
- blushing cos of you -
Chronologically ordered photo's I have here of the night that was Atrium. Food was good, especially since we only paid $33.50. I don't have much time to blog cos of stupid work.
Somehow I gather this round of photo's has a lot of Fel bel and shmoogoo in it.
Me and Ed.
These two again.. I remember this attempt to feed him dessert which he refused :O
Somehow I gather this round of photo's has a lot of Fel bel and shmoogoo in it.Me and Ed.Sulin and friend.
These two again.. I remember this attempt to feed him dessert which he refused :O Anthony and sis.
Late comer, Caz. Poor gal, got a speeding ticket.. or should I say .. tsk tsk. hrm, wait minute.. what is that hand doing there? W e missing an obvious part of the picture here...
Later- comer Mish, who didn't pay and snuck out cos she snuck in. Thanks to me, she got out safe and sound. (If burswood calls you, I have no part in your escape.)
My poor (right) shoulder got roasted. And so did my nose and cheeks. *pain pain* Oh I know what I need. ALoe vera.. mmm and a soothing hand to rub it on me. *cheeky grins*
Late comer, Caz. Poor gal, got a speeding ticket.. or should I say .. tsk tsk. hrm, wait minute.. what is that hand doing there? W e missing an obvious part of the picture here...Later- comer Mish, who didn't pay and snuck out cos she snuck in. Thanks to me, she got out safe and sound. (If burswood calls you, I have no part in your escape.)We went to Alure after. Me and Mish ahve wanted to go for ages. And we did. And we ordered a champagne cocktail. ANd it was bad. I think we'll be back at Minq again.
The next day a couple of us went to play tennis at UWA. ANd boy was it a fine day.
Then Why did I END up like THIS?!?!
My poor (right) shoulder got roasted. And so did my nose and cheeks. *pain pain* Oh I know what I need. ALoe vera.. mmm and a soothing hand to rub it on me. *cheeky grins*Off to work,
*waves*
-{ missing you 12/07/2007 01:11:00 pm }-
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
- daisies -
Days have been spent sleeping, working and going out for no such apparant reason..
Work sucked last weekend. All the more reason to get out of CC!!! And move to Fel Bels Atrium. I do hope they let me go. Apparantly they can deny your transfer. *cries* I hope they don't. Cos I don't have any other options.
Went to dinner with Edmond last night to this Italian place in Como. It was really nice, but it made me crave for Ciao Italias. I found myself comparing the two everytime I ate. Dessert was uber awesome though.
Tomorrow we're all going to go Atrium buffet. I should take my camera so I have pictures to blog.
Not to mention I am uber jealous and annoyed at NoL still. She called me on Saturday during work and I was on my break so I picked up. The only thing was the break was back-of house and not at the canteen, so technically we were on working grounds. And my phone got confiscated!!! NoLLLLLLLL!! And to make it even worse, she msgd me to tell me how awesome SHOW'S CONCERT WAS.
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SHE DIDN'T CALL ME DURING LEEHOM'S
FOREVER LOVE COS SHE
THOUGHT
I WAS WORKING.
sososososoosososososososososososso jealous and angry.
love ya NoL.
Work sucked last weekend. All the more reason to get out of CC!!! And move to Fel Bels Atrium. I do hope they let me go. Apparantly they can deny your transfer. *cries* I hope they don't. Cos I don't have any other options.
Went to dinner with Edmond last night to this Italian place in Como. It was really nice, but it made me crave for Ciao Italias. I found myself comparing the two everytime I ate. Dessert was uber awesome though.
Tomorrow we're all going to go Atrium buffet. I should take my camera so I have pictures to blog.
Not to mention I am uber jealous and annoyed at NoL still. She called me on Saturday during work and I was on my break so I picked up. The only thing was the break was back-of house and not at the canteen, so technically we were on working grounds. And my phone got confiscated!!! NoLLLLLLLL!! And to make it even worse, she msgd me to tell me how awesome SHOW'S CONCERT WAS.
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SHE DIDN'T CALL ME DURING LEEHOM'S
FOREVER LOVE COS SHE
THOUGHT
I WAS WORKING.
sososososoosososososososososososso jealous and angry.
love ya NoL.
-{ missing you 12/04/2007 01:14:00 pm }-