Saturday, September 27, 2008

- *** -


***

I think it's tough to blog.





I definitely don't blog as often as I used to and there's not much to write about anymore.





But I read. I read the Weekend Australian Mag today.. at work. I was so bored. And this article. It made me smile. It made me laugh. And although I really tried to find the article online to credit it, I couldn't find it. But I'd like to share this article with you all. I hope you find it just as amusing as I did.





Author: Will Storr.




Title: Sobriety? I'll drink to that - if you can keep your head when all about you are out of theirs... (no, I didn't get that line either..)





The first time I got drunk I was alone. Twelve years old, sat upstairs with a stolen cup of cider, just one sip of which made me want to spin with my arms out and giggle. What I remember most about that moment is how much it frightened me. One taste and I was transformed. Electrifies. Up in the air. The gabble of anxious voices in my head suddenly coalesced into a single one; a brand new version of me that was confident, joyful and fierce. As the happy danger spread warmly up my body, I knew. This was too nice to be anything good, too powerful to be holy. I poured the rest of the fizzing potion into the bathroom sink and watched it disappear down the plughole like a hissing serpent.





That night, I had a revelation from the most primitive depths of my brain. It gave me a terrible feeling, like that split-second when you know you're going to fall out of the tree but haven't yet started to tumble. I was scared because I knew, then, exactly what was going to happen: hedonism would possess me in my teens and 20's. It would piss its brilliant evil all over me and I'd have to drag myself, shivering out of its reach. I realise now it was inevitable that I'd one day become a teetotal. The truth is, some people simply aren't built for excess. I'm one of them.





For people like me hedonism is terrifying, an internal force, because it provides everything we need most in a form that couldn't be more dangerous for us. You see, we're full of holes, and in our hopeless attempts to fill them we crave love, attention and respite from anxiety. Hedonism provides all these things. Stimulants give us the confidence to talk and act like those miraculous people we see on TV. They enable us to negotiate dirty encounters in strange bedrooms and experience total acceptance in a concentrated dose.



But the problem is, we're not strong enough for it. When the amphetamines and gin release the pressure, we can't deal with the explosion. We can't be extroverted without hating ourselves later, we can't get drunk without crying or smashing stuff up, we can't have casual sex without falling in love. We need it all much too badly. We become tormented by fun. And so, inevitably, we give it all up. But for all the pre-teetotallers out there, I have good news: it doesn't have to be the end of pleasure. The teetotal way has many quiet delights, all of which are deliberately kept hidden from people still caught up in that noxious parade of spunk and shouting they call a social life. If you're planning on joining me, here's a l ist of things you need to do:

(Weeks later)

omfg. I lost my magazine. So I can't finish this post. You see what happens when things are left undone?

Fortunately, the best bits are mostly in the essay above.

















-{ missing you 9/27/2008 03:35:00 pm }-

Monday, September 15, 2008

- i sacrifice thee -

I sacrifice thee

I believe sacrifices involves major changes. When you look up the definition of the word 'sacrifice', what you see are the words LOSS - SURRENDER - DESTRUCTION - GIVING UP. Why must a sacrifice incur such negativity?

In my life, I've made many many painful sacrifices for my own selfish well-being. Selfish, well only I matter to myself. I've made sacrifices with trust, with blood, with friends, with fun, for fun, for harm, for senselessness, for something new. But sacrifices all for what? Are sacrifices supposed to make us happier? Does it make people understand us better? Does it bring people closer? It seems that sacrifices are made for the worse.

But there are some people not willing to sacrifice. Because they are content with the present and the way things are. They do not want to give more or take less. And whilst they do not sacrifice, they lose a bit of themselves, of their other half and inevitably make the sacrifice not to sacrifice.

Maybe they will recover from it. Maybe they wont. But I know I make sacrifices to create new beginnings and different paths to walk down, because at the end of every road is a dead end. And I don't want to end up there. I'm only hoping that I am still on a two-way road in which I can walk back again and visit you and how we once were because I will never forget that stretch of road we once took together.

But the road is under construction and I don't know when it will be ready for me to walk across again. The tar is still wet and setting. The signs are still up and the workmen are still directing me around it.

Please be ready for me soon, because I want to walk with you again.

My dear friend.
-{ missing you 9/15/2008 12:10:00 pm }-

Monday, September 08, 2008

- graduation t-count down -

COUNT DOWN!

I have my dress.

I have my robe.

I have my tickets! ZOMG you wouldn't believe the last 24hours I've had realising I had lost my graduation tickets the DAY BEFORE GRADUATION DAY!! Silly me. (I have replacement tickets, phew!)

Let's hope I don't fall down flat on my face and be the laughing stock of the whole entire night. Touch wood *knock knock*.
-{ missing you 9/08/2008 02:35:00 pm }-

Monday, September 01, 2008

- 对不起 -

Remember when you wrote the red pages? I've never understood anything so well before.

But I've understood it more than ever today. Today I read your words over and over to heal the wounds that were left in my heart from the night before.

I wish, instead of destroying the book, I could give it to you, as you wish to understand me better. But I realised this:

if the book is not destroyed, then there is no moving on. You will read my book over and over again and you will open those wounds again.

So I write this book in my heart, and discard it into the shallow depths of my mind, where it will be disintegrated with the creation of new and happier thoughts.

I am not going to lose you, because you will be the one to create these happier thoughts.

I will use this realm where we once started, where I read your red pages, to tell you
对不起.

520
-{ missing you 9/01/2008 12:10:00 pm }-