Monday, May 14, 2007
- The rule of give and take -
The frustration of today has sent me reeling. Everything has magnified how microscopic my life is and the fact that I'm a narcissist (AS is EVERYONE else), I tend to macro the happenings of my life. And tell everyone about it. Well, almost everyone. It's such a woe to be like, yeah my life this my life that. I want to share and you want to hear right?
Tonight I'm in the need to talk to somebody, but I have nobody. It's not so much talk talk. But like rant to somebody that doesn't care. But I realised how much most people do care, whether it'd be for me or themselves. And it doesn't work that way. So I'm gonna blog my problems away, fucking myself over again because my asignment is due soon. Like fuckin' Friday-soon.
I . I don't know how to start. The subject of giving and taking can't just start from no where and I don't know how to start this post. This topic. It's like, this thing about me taking from someone, and unable to give something back. I can't give anything back because they don't need anything from me. They don't need anything, but I need them. And whilst thinking about this thought, I don't mean that everyone else is not important in my life. I love you all. You all provide me with different things that I need, which I am grateful. But this one person that provides me with my needs doesn't need me. And it makes me feel awful.
The problem is that they are in a time of need, and I'm not needed. And I'm actually hurt. But I hate myself even more now because I realised that I have in fact turned this situation into me again. I am hurt and angry because I am not in the picture. If they are in need, and they have the people to help them in this time, then I should be happy that they are getting on
fine. I should be happy.
But all I can think of is this selfish idea that I'm not in the picture.
And again, the problem is much bigger than me. People have real problems to deal with rather than the ones I burden my friends with. The ones that set us back weeks and months, discussed endlessly upon ends, hopelessly with false doubts. But this doesn't mean I'll quit with the me talk. Just quite upset tonight I think. Upset about my small problems and other people's big problems. And the problems in between.
You know what I said? I said, I'm in pursuit of excitement, not happiness, so there is nothing to be sad about. Sometimes I hate myself so much. For being stupid and sometimes being happy. And then sometimes for hating life when I am actually enjoying it or what not. Yeah, quite emotional. But how much of that do you see on me physically? Not much right? So I sound real silly when I blog it right?
One. I am still 19 and (for a few months left) I have the right to remain teeny-boppy. Two. I've established that I may be an optimist in disguise rather than the pessimist in disguise that I think I am. Three, I've re-established that I am a realist, something I once said before and got cut down by an anon from it.
This post remains unfinished because I am both happy and disappointed with myself, disappointed with a lot of people and just plain disappointed.
I was so happy at the beginning of the day. The air was crisp and it was a sunny Monday morning...
Tonight I'm in the need to talk to somebody, but I have nobody. It's not so much talk talk. But like rant to somebody that doesn't care. But I realised how much most people do care, whether it'd be for me or themselves. And it doesn't work that way. So I'm gonna blog my problems away, fucking myself over again because my asignment is due soon. Like fuckin' Friday-soon.
I . I don't know how to start. The subject of giving and taking can't just start from no where and I don't know how to start this post. This topic. It's like, this thing about me taking from someone, and unable to give something back. I can't give anything back because they don't need anything from me. They don't need anything, but I need them. And whilst thinking about this thought, I don't mean that everyone else is not important in my life. I love you all. You all provide me with different things that I need, which I am grateful. But this one person that provides me with my needs doesn't need me. And it makes me feel awful.
The problem is that they are in a time of need, and I'm not needed. And I'm actually hurt. But I hate myself even more now because I realised that I have in fact turned this situation into me again. I am hurt and angry because I am not in the picture. If they are in need, and they have the people to help them in this time, then I should be happy that they are getting on
fine. I should be happy.
But all I can think of is this selfish idea that I'm not in the picture.
And again, the problem is much bigger than me. People have real problems to deal with rather than the ones I burden my friends with. The ones that set us back weeks and months, discussed endlessly upon ends, hopelessly with false doubts. But this doesn't mean I'll quit with the me talk. Just quite upset tonight I think. Upset about my small problems and other people's big problems. And the problems in between.
You know what I said? I said, I'm in pursuit of excitement, not happiness, so there is nothing to be sad about. Sometimes I hate myself so much. For being stupid and sometimes being happy. And then sometimes for hating life when I am actually enjoying it or what not. Yeah, quite emotional. But how much of that do you see on me physically? Not much right? So I sound real silly when I blog it right?
One. I am still 19 and (for a few months left) I have the right to remain teeny-boppy. Two. I've established that I may be an optimist in disguise rather than the pessimist in disguise that I think I am. Three, I've re-established that I am a realist, something I once said before and got cut down by an anon from it.
This post remains unfinished because I am both happy and disappointed with myself, disappointed with a lot of people and just plain disappointed.
I was so happy at the beginning of the day. The air was crisp and it was a sunny Monday morning...
-{ missing you 5/14/2007 11:38:00 pm }-