Thursday, June 14, 2007

- Nobody ever wants to grow apart -

Yah. I know. comical. but I lurve. Couldn't study. And I'm just delirious from the lack of study. That and the exam's on Friday. So I thought I'd blog hey. And stare at my wonderful boiz. I want Jiro. Maybe I already have a Jiro. Maybe I don't want my Jiro no more. Maybe I want Chun.


I miss my relies. All of dem. I miss Msia and Sg. I miss that awesome flower thing that lady did to my hair. I should've taken a pic! Sigh, I think my cousin (above) has given birth already. We used to be so close. And now we've really fallen apart. She's a mother now. And I'm still a student. Why make such dichotomies? 'Cos she's our age. Younger than me by months. And we lead such.. different lives. SHe could've had this life, yet she chose motherhood instead. Sometimes I wonder how I would turn out if I lived in Malaysia. If I was brought up there. With all my cousins. Would I still be the same? Turn out the same? End up in Australia? How further apart will our lives bring us two? It's already hard enough sitting in each other's presence and trying to find conversation. What went.. wrong? Wrong isn't the word. I don't know. I envy that I don't have a close cousin. SOmeone that is close to my age to talk to that is related to me. I always hoped that she could be that cousin of mine. But we failed to keep in contact. We failed to talk like as if we were old friends. We failed to make the connections. I wanted to tell her I was extremely happy for her. But the words would never surface. Up until her wedding day, we merely smiled. Her wedding night, I stood beside and not a word spoken between us. That day we went to pay respects to her father before her wedding day, I sat in the car right beside her. It brought me back to the days when we were four years young. And we sat next to each other holding hands and wispering secrets into each others ears. I felt like I should've taken her hand. I sat there looking at her hand, and just the image that she will be holding onto something precious soon. SOmething that is far from my reach ANY time soon. All this. And she was sitting next to her husband anyway. He was there anyway. Her husband. I don't know why it doesn't roll off the tongue as well as it should. I'm 19 and while I'm 19, studying, playing and having fun, others are settling down, ceasing their studies to raise a family. There are others who find themselves signing contracts to become pop idols. singers. part of a band. At 22 Danson Tang is an actor, singer and heart throb. I'm 22 in two years. What can I achieve? And it's people like Danson, like my cousin, that really put the emphasis on, "20. I'm getting old."

So while this picture frames a still time when we were happy, smiling, posing for this picture, there is so much that lies ahead. These two girls, two girls, trying to grasp the idea that is adulthood. Two young women who have already lay different paths ahead of them. One left one right. Where will we end up? Will I ever see her again? I don't know the answers to these questions. But I contemplate her well-being everyday. Hoping that I can maintain what is left of our connection.
My aunts were right in saying she would get married early. I saw this day coming. They told me so when I was 11. I remember, they told me, "Your cousin is one to get married early. You just wait and see." And here we are.
And come 2006, they ask yours truly, "So, now it's your turn, right Lisa?"
And there starts a whole different story in itself.



-{ missing you 6/14/2007 02:35:00 am }-