Friday, December 28, 2007
- reflekshunz -
I want to be your blanket. To give you warmth. To give you protection. And to guide you to your dreams.
Since I was little, I always needed to sleep with a blanket. Whether it was 2 degrees or 30, I had to have a blanket covering me.
People! It's almost a new year! What have we done? What have you accomplished? What have you failed?
Have I already written my 2007 reflections? I can't remember. It's crazy the way life goes. What it takes us through. I've been through ups and downs, lefts and rights. And yet, am still standing proud and tall today.
Am I game to let you know what has happened to me this whole year? Do I remember any of it? Of course I do.. I just don't know how much of it I can fit into a few measly words.
******
How did 2007 start off so rocky? I just came back from Malaysia, all ready to take on a year of alcohol, a year of clubbing. A year of fun. LOTS of FUN. Fun started off with really good clubbing nights, even though my girls were in China livin' it up Beijing style. But I did too. And I met someone...
But I got myself into a foreseen problem. A foreseen ending. Prepared that I was playing with fire. However not prepared that I had not played the field that was so-called 'relationships' and fell deeply in pain into that pit. Everything had made sense when I was with him and yet nothing added up. I never knew I could ever be so stupid in my whole entire life.
2007 had already began with a setback. I didn't know what to do. And I turn myself to more alcohol and more harmless fun nights in a place which became our home.
Along came more ktv nights, and along came meaningness boys with lousy intentions. But they had nothing to offer and only wanted to take. And I KNOW I am smarter than to give anything. But I take. I take their comfort, their words, their shoulders and their jackets. That is all I take. But none of them meant anything. What was becoming of me? Was this fun? Was I degrading myself to one of them, whom I despised so much three years ago? What do my friends think of me? What does the world think of me? Why does mother cry so much at night? Something happened and I was both happy and sad for myself.
Luckily, through all this, I saw who my true friends were. They were the ones who stuck by. The ones who still loved me and still cared and gave me their harsh words of criticism because they understood my hurt but wanted to prevent my naivity. I am so greatful for my friends.
It was also a year I came to find new friends. Friends who I know will be with me for a long time coming and friends who shared similar interests and will forever be in our exclusive ktv crew.
I also caught myself in confusion and a sense of being lost in all things sweet. I was confused with what I felt for old friends, I was confused with what I felt for new companions and I was confused with how some friends were treating me.
Within all of the social and the work that kept my nights occupied, I dropped in my studies. I stopped reading what needed to be read, I forgot how to understand and forgot how to study and prep for exams. And with that I lost confidence and lost that ability to achieve the grades I needed. And because of that I wasn't able to go on the China infield study I was so looking forward to go to.
What happened to me?
I learnt that I was going to do whatever made me happy and carefree. It didn't matter that people were going to look at me differently because I didn't give a fuck anymore. I wouldn't give two fucks how people would think or talk about me. Because I only care for me and nobody else. I was going to let the world rest their thoughts on my shoulders.
It seems like I was going through nothing. But why did I feel so much pain? I recall it being such a tough time. Could you tell? Could you read it in my empty blogs, the cryptic blabber that was written across the pages?
I think sometimes.. I knew I was doing things that I sholdn't have. And I knew it wasn't looking good anymore. Not on the part of others but the fact that I was disappointed in myself. That I had resorted to stupid shit to have fun. Clubbing is one thing.. the other stuff was beyond complete stupidity.
Anyways.. I've fallen into unhealthy habits that I need to get myself out of.. or else I'll be regretting in the the long term.
Well.. at least I could say that the year ended well. I finally opened my eyes to see who was truly right in front of me. That I could've asked for nothing more and all it took was one last drunken night. I now understand what it means to care and to be loved. And although it may cause some friends to drift away, I'll always make sure that you'll drift right back to me. Because when it comes to problems, I'll still be the one you can talk to. When it comes to being there for your last clubbing night, I'll be there. And when it comes to boredom, I'll be there to make you laugh. I'm still the same girl with the same loud personality to complete our F-circle. FFL.
It's been a good year, filled with lots of fun, tears, redemption, confusion and I could go on but I wont. I loved this year so much. I loved being 19. And now I'm 20 with new challenges and responsibilities. Sure I'll still be that lazy girl who sleeps in, the one who WON'T do her homework. But so much has happened and so much has changed.
I'm looking forward to 2008. No matter what it brings. I'm ready to tackle it all!
The world is a different place when you smile. See through your tears and on the other side is happiness.
Since I was little, I always needed to sleep with a blanket. Whether it was 2 degrees or 30, I had to have a blanket covering me.
People! It's almost a new year! What have we done? What have you accomplished? What have you failed?
Have I already written my 2007 reflections? I can't remember. It's crazy the way life goes. What it takes us through. I've been through ups and downs, lefts and rights. And yet, am still standing proud and tall today.
Am I game to let you know what has happened to me this whole year? Do I remember any of it? Of course I do.. I just don't know how much of it I can fit into a few measly words.
******
How did 2007 start off so rocky? I just came back from Malaysia, all ready to take on a year of alcohol, a year of clubbing. A year of fun. LOTS of FUN. Fun started off with really good clubbing nights, even though my girls were in China livin' it up Beijing style. But I did too. And I met someone...
But I got myself into a foreseen problem. A foreseen ending. Prepared that I was playing with fire. However not prepared that I had not played the field that was so-called 'relationships' and fell deeply in pain into that pit. Everything had made sense when I was with him and yet nothing added up. I never knew I could ever be so stupid in my whole entire life.
2007 had already began with a setback. I didn't know what to do. And I turn myself to more alcohol and more harmless fun nights in a place which became our home.
Along came more ktv nights, and along came meaningness boys with lousy intentions. But they had nothing to offer and only wanted to take. And I KNOW I am smarter than to give anything. But I take. I take their comfort, their words, their shoulders and their jackets. That is all I take. But none of them meant anything. What was becoming of me? Was this fun? Was I degrading myself to one of them, whom I despised so much three years ago? What do my friends think of me? What does the world think of me? Why does mother cry so much at night? Something happened and I was both happy and sad for myself.
Luckily, through all this, I saw who my true friends were. They were the ones who stuck by. The ones who still loved me and still cared and gave me their harsh words of criticism because they understood my hurt but wanted to prevent my naivity. I am so greatful for my friends.
It was also a year I came to find new friends. Friends who I know will be with me for a long time coming and friends who shared similar interests and will forever be in our exclusive ktv crew.
I also caught myself in confusion and a sense of being lost in all things sweet. I was confused with what I felt for old friends, I was confused with what I felt for new companions and I was confused with how some friends were treating me.
Within all of the social and the work that kept my nights occupied, I dropped in my studies. I stopped reading what needed to be read, I forgot how to understand and forgot how to study and prep for exams. And with that I lost confidence and lost that ability to achieve the grades I needed. And because of that I wasn't able to go on the China infield study I was so looking forward to go to.
What happened to me?
I learnt that I was going to do whatever made me happy and carefree. It didn't matter that people were going to look at me differently because I didn't give a fuck anymore. I wouldn't give two fucks how people would think or talk about me. Because I only care for me and nobody else. I was going to let the world rest their thoughts on my shoulders.
It seems like I was going through nothing. But why did I feel so much pain? I recall it being such a tough time. Could you tell? Could you read it in my empty blogs, the cryptic blabber that was written across the pages?
I think sometimes.. I knew I was doing things that I sholdn't have. And I knew it wasn't looking good anymore. Not on the part of others but the fact that I was disappointed in myself. That I had resorted to stupid shit to have fun. Clubbing is one thing.. the other stuff was beyond complete stupidity.
Anyways.. I've fallen into unhealthy habits that I need to get myself out of.. or else I'll be regretting in the the long term.
Well.. at least I could say that the year ended well. I finally opened my eyes to see who was truly right in front of me. That I could've asked for nothing more and all it took was one last drunken night. I now understand what it means to care and to be loved. And although it may cause some friends to drift away, I'll always make sure that you'll drift right back to me. Because when it comes to problems, I'll still be the one you can talk to. When it comes to being there for your last clubbing night, I'll be there. And when it comes to boredom, I'll be there to make you laugh. I'm still the same girl with the same loud personality to complete our F-circle. FFL.
It's been a good year, filled with lots of fun, tears, redemption, confusion and I could go on but I wont. I loved this year so much. I loved being 19. And now I'm 20 with new challenges and responsibilities. Sure I'll still be that lazy girl who sleeps in, the one who WON'T do her homework. But so much has happened and so much has changed.
I'm looking forward to 2008. No matter what it brings. I'm ready to tackle it all!
The world is a different place when you smile. See through your tears and on the other side is happiness.
-{ missing you 12/28/2007 11:55:00 pm }-