Friday, October 30, 2009
- Obsession over Emotion in Moderation -
It's not that I haven't been blogging. I have written many drafts. Many unfinished, uninspired blogs.
It's just how I feel about life. It's unfinished and uninspired. Too lazy to blog - too lazy to get out of bed. Can't think of what to make of this blog - can't think what to make of this life.
I found this entry in my diary:
So sick. Can you feel? Deep, deep down in the pit of your stomach, the gland excretes. It is excreting DISGUST into every inch of your body. It enters the blood stream and pumps its way through the body. It's almost like adrenalin creating a sensational high at first. A feeling with not a care in the world. Unaware of DISGUST. And yet when it stops - that feeling - your blood turns black and cold. The circulation ceases and you scream but nobody hears you. Forgiveness lost in a black hole. What's left of warm red blood, runs down your face as tears. They show no sympathy. They see what's really inside you. Their glare tells you, it's over. It's too late. Because that gland excretes DISGUST, pumping through you veins, reaches into your heart, your heart skips a beat - and then nothing.
I am not emotionally retarded, no matter what that entry portrays. Or proves. I was trying to emphasise how it feels to be disgusted. Not at something, not at someone, but at yourself. I know people who have felt shameful or guilty for things that they have felt or done in the past, but I don't think it compares to feeling disgusted. It's almost like contempt, or something raw and unnerving.
It's a girl thing. Many a times I have tried to share with my girls this disgust. Falling just before the tip of my tongue, I retreat, cowardly because I can't handle how they will see me - their glare. I am not ready to gamble for forgiveness. I cannot make that bet. I refuse to play bluff in poker.
On the Up side, I have turned Gleek. It is the most awesomest show since Greys Anatomy. There is the HAWTTTTT DDG Mark Salling... mmmmmmmm... bad boys; and there is UBER cool Harry Shum Jr. Shum is the best dancer EVERRRR.. Ok. I love the fact that he's asian too. He's everywhere.. he's the asian in all those dance movies.. AND he rocked the It's My Life/Confessions mash-up in GLee. OMG gleelove. Sigh - I haven't felt so TB since... since I don't know when my fandom has reached this point!
I'mstalkingShumonwww.harryshumjr.com/andontwitterandongleewebsiteandontumblr
andonYoutubeandonanythingelseicanfind!
It's just how I feel about life. It's unfinished and uninspired. Too lazy to blog - too lazy to get out of bed. Can't think of what to make of this blog - can't think what to make of this life.
I found this entry in my diary:
So sick. Can you feel? Deep, deep down in the pit of your stomach, the gland excretes. It is excreting DISGUST into every inch of your body. It enters the blood stream and pumps its way through the body. It's almost like adrenalin creating a sensational high at first. A feeling with not a care in the world. Unaware of DISGUST. And yet when it stops - that feeling - your blood turns black and cold. The circulation ceases and you scream but nobody hears you. Forgiveness lost in a black hole. What's left of warm red blood, runs down your face as tears. They show no sympathy. They see what's really inside you. Their glare tells you, it's over. It's too late. Because that gland excretes DISGUST, pumping through you veins, reaches into your heart, your heart skips a beat - and then nothing.
I am not emotionally retarded, no matter what that entry portrays. Or proves. I was trying to emphasise how it feels to be disgusted. Not at something, not at someone, but at yourself. I know people who have felt shameful or guilty for things that they have felt or done in the past, but I don't think it compares to feeling disgusted. It's almost like contempt, or something raw and unnerving.
It's a girl thing. Many a times I have tried to share with my girls this disgust. Falling just before the tip of my tongue, I retreat, cowardly because I can't handle how they will see me - their glare. I am not ready to gamble for forgiveness. I cannot make that bet. I refuse to play bluff in poker.
On the Up side, I have turned Gleek. It is the most awesomest show since Greys Anatomy. There is the HAWTTTTT DDG Mark Salling... mmmmmmmm... bad boys; and there is UBER cool Harry Shum Jr. Shum is the best dancer EVERRRR.. Ok. I love the fact that he's asian too. He's everywhere.. he's the asian in all those dance movies.. AND he rocked the It's My Life/Confessions mash-up in GLee. OMG gleelove. Sigh - I haven't felt so TB since... since I don't know when my fandom has reached this point!
I'mstalkingShumonwww.harryshumjr.com/andontwitterandongleewebsiteandontumblr
andonYoutubeandonanythingelseicanfind!
-{ missing you 10/30/2009 10:10:00 pm }-