Friday, April 09, 2010

...and stomp on them...

..and crush them. It's just so hard to understand why things happen which don't go in your favour. At times, there are karmic moments like spitting gum on the floor and the next moment you're sitting on fresh gum - that's a karmic moment. But there are so many other ambiguous happenings which just make you ponder aimlessly, about why they happen and why you care so much.

Unfortunately, I have many of these incidents - one of which I was being judged - for who I am. So I may swear more than I should, but who is to say I shouldn't? Joe Blogs and Jane Doe said that I swear quite often and it's just the way I am (and also said I was just being 'emo'). This was the response to Mary Lane who thought I was upset.

Being upset about this ordeal, I took it out on the messenger. I know that was wrong, but I couldn't wrap my head around this. *why so hurt?* So I swear... so what? I am emo, nothing wrong there. Was it because I was being singled out for swearing? Is it because these 'happy' people don't swear? Am I just being jealous of their constant happy lives who act like they live in fucking happy land? I want to be in happy land too if I could, but that's not happening because I'm living something called REALITY bitches.

It didn't take me long to calm down. But it's occured to me that I'm starting to worry about what others think of me again. And maybe it wasn't just THEM that was bothering me, it was ME that was bothering me. I need to be OK with me, and deep down in all honesty...swearing was never my thing. A few years ago it rolled off the tongue too easily, but I know for a fact, it doesn't anymore. People who know me can vouch for that. AND I did it because I wanted to. Maybe I was angry because my change hasn't been acknowledged. Especially when I changed for the better. A few words of profanity doesn't mean shit and people who are limited to realms like that will have a hard time to deal with the real shit.

So go throw your judgement elsewhere.

& The Easter break was well needed, work is always too much, even if you aren't doing much, which is not the case for me >.<